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| Sea cliffs - Lunga, UK |
Imagine the scene. There’s me perched on top of a high cliff, pointing my camera down towards the crashing waves a few hundred feet below. The sea gulls are flying below me and the guillemots are perched on the lower cliffs (wimps). I’m motionless with fixed vision, some would say fixated. Katherine, my wife, is sitting next to me. I’m waiting for the conversation to start, you know, the conversation every wildlife photographer dreads:
Katherine: What are you doing?
Me: I’m taking a photo.
Katherine: No you’re not.
Me: What?!
Katherine: You’re not pressing the button.
Me: There’s more to taking a photo than just that. I’m waiting for the right moment.
Katherine: How will you know the right moment?
Me: I’m just waiting for a seagull to fly through that gap there at the same time as a wave crashes on those rocks.
Katherine: I see. And what do you think the chances of that are, exactly?
Me: I don’t know ‘exactly’. Probably not great, but there are waves and there are gulls, so there’s chance it could come together.
Katherine: Mmm. Can’t you just photoshop one on?
Me: What?!
Katherine: You know, add the seagull on after.
Me: What?!
Katherine: You know, add the seagull on after.
Me: **!*?! No! of course I can’t. *!*?! What must you think of me? [mumble grumble mumble grumble]
Katherine: I just think it would be easier. No one would know.
Me: I’m not doing it – that’s for photographers who can’t be bothered to learn how to photograph, and painters who can’t be bothered to learn how to paint.
Katherine: meow! Someone got off the wrong side of the boat today.
Moments later, and a gull flies into the space.
Katherine: Look, there’s one now!
**Click click click click**
Katherine: Can we go now?
Me: Not yet – it wasn’t quite right.
Katherine: Why? What was wrong with it? It’s what you said you wanted.
Me: No – the angle of the wings wasn’t quite right, it didn’t have the right definition in its outline.
Katherine: Oh for goodness’ sake. Okay, I’m going off to make a phone call. Then can we go?
Of course, this is only the conversation in my head, the one I’m dreading gets started. I’m dreading it because there’s no defence to the antisocial behaviour of a wildlife photographer, and I’m acutely aware of the disruption that carrying a camera can create on a family trip – it’s something I feel extremely guilty about.
But it’s not what really happened. In actual fact, the conversation goes something like this:
Katherine: What are you doing?
Me: I’m just waiting for a seagull to fly through that gap there at the same time as a wave crashes on those rocks.
Katherine: Cool – I’m going off to watch the puffins try to land. They’re hilarious. I’ll give you a shout before the boat leaves. I wouldn’t like you to get stuck on the island alone like you did last time [sadly, this part is true].
Me: thanks, I’ll join you at the puffins in a moment.
Katherine: no hurry.
What a star.
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